oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
