I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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