He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
