Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
