Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
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I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
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So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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