your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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