My sheets look like a crime scene.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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