Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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