I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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