i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
