The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
