I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
