I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
