just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
How's work?
Spinning.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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