I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
