I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
