yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This gyro tastes like lonliness
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
