I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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