I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
