i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
