just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
