you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
