She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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