and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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