So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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