I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
this will be a night to untag.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
