i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Im part way to drunk.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
