hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
