I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
