She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
