Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My feet surprised me
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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