I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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