ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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