so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
