Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My vagina just recognized that song.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
