i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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