DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
