This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
