she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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