90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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