So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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