So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
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malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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