Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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