What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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