CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
