But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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