OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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