Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
