I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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