somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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