life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
