new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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