Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
