You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
