You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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