I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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